the connection is fascination!
a stranger fell in love with my mother
she was not strange to him
she loved him
without him and
without her
together.
around me, together, i would not have the love that i have today
i would not have the family and connection i have today
I would not be as grateful as I am for the memories, the fleeting glimpses of green leaf, brown branch, blue sky, white cloud, grey granite rock.
I would not have this lust for climbing tall mountains to inhale the clear air, to be away from the culture that I am a part of, that I have steadfastly stepped into and wear everyday like my clothes.
I would not have the confidence to explore my roots, deeply buried, not intentionally hidden (I hope) but buried under nurturing soil. I straddle these worlds.
I see time in my parents' movements. I see their hands, slower, aged. You know what it looks like, the digits are stiffer, the skin looser or crisper, like fall leaves. Backs and shoulders, permanently curved, like their body does not know how to unfold from their children in their arms.
The way they think is different from years ago. It is different from how I think now.
I have anticipated this moment, especially after watching my mom care for my grandmother. I have anticipated the moment I notice:
They are slower, they are riskier.
I went to beach on Friday with my mom, she said she doesn't go in the water any more without someone else. Her sense of security with her body is not what it used to be. This can happen at any age and my mom had a leg surgery within the last 12 months. But it scares me.
I fear losing my parents worse than death. They will not see us thrive. They will not see all their hopes for us play out. It is so important I cherish these days I have with them and remember them as they were.
Playful, fearless, powerful.
Scary, angry, lost.
Supportive, loving, strong.
Quiet, thoughtful, imaginative.
they will always be a part of me.
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